Please note that this set of entries were originally written in Spanish. They have been translated while keeping as close to the original meaning as possible. It still loses some of the emotion, and is not as eloquent as some of the other posts may be.

9/12/13

I almost can’t believe all of this. Not, almost, I can’t believe it. I don’t know how I’m going to get home. It’s ridiculous what everyone – my friends, and my parents, did. When I called Susana when I was at the airport to tell her “goodbye”, she told me that I had to call my parents and tell them the same thing, that they would like to hear my voice one more time. She helped me. I was talking with Susan and my parents together. My mom kept repeating herself, saying that I should change my ticket and come home. I was thinking that if I did that, my parents would be mad and yell at me, and how would I know I could go back to work? My phone died and I took my plane to San Francisco. During the flight, I wrote my suicide note. I started crying. I hurt so much. But inside, I was in peace because I knew that soon all my suffering would end – in death. 

When the plane arrived, the flight attendant [got on the intercom, and] said that everyone needed to stay seated because there was a situation, they had to take care of. Someone asked me if my name was Theresa, and that there was someone outside that wanted to speak with me. I became very afraid. It was a surprise – here I was, [I had been] crying, and I wrote my suicide note that I was going to send to my parents, and I started another that I couldn’t finish because I started to cry and could no longer see the pages. In the beginning, I tried not to tell the police that I had flown from Baton Rouge with the sole purpose of jumping from the bridge, but when I realized that they somehow already knew, I decided to tell them. They asked me questions like, Are you on vacation? Do you have family here? Where are you going to sleep tonight? Really, I didn’t answer their questions. I didn’t want to tell them that I was going to stay at the airport and take a taxi in the morning, only to jump off the bridge, and that I had no intention of returning home. But when I realized they already knew, I decided to tell them that I had plans to jump off the bridge and that I had traveled nearly 2,000 miles to jump. 

Now that I think about it, it’s ridiculous. Why all the money, time, and things to kill myself? I still can’t believe everything that’s happened. My worst nightmare is reality. I’m in a hospital, in a city south of San Francisco, with no one I know, without a way to get back home, no clothing, nothing. 

I feel I don’t deserve help. I don’t deserve my friends. I don’t deserve to feel better. I deserve to die. I’m going to do it. I know that. And I don’t think there’s anything that anyone can do to make me change my mind. There’s no more that can be done to help me. Staying in this hospital has no purpose. It’s useless. A brother, or elder from the congregation in this city visited me. It doesn’t matter what I have to do to kill myself, I’m going to do it. If I think that it can succeed, I’m going to try, until I’m successful. I want to leave this hospital so I can kill myself, because it’s obvious I can’t do it here, although I would love to. I feel I don’t deserve the resurrection the\ bible promises, that I don’t deserve God’s love. I don’t deserve for anyone to love me or care for me. 

If I leave this hospital soon, if it’s possible, I’m still going to just off the bridge. If not, I’m going to jump off the baton rouge Capitol, if not that, maybe I can buy a gun, and if that’s not possible, a injection or something that I can breathe that will kill me. And if that’s not possible either, I’m going to find another bridge where I can jump. But IM GOING TO do it. Ive never been so sure of this. NEVER. And theres nothing that will make me change my mind. I choose death. My soul chooses death. My parents don’t think I really want to die, but I want to kill myself with my WHOLE heart. My whole heart wants to die. Why do I feel that everyone – my friends, the brothers, my family – are making me live when it’s the last thing I want? Why can’t these people tell me that if I want to do it with all my heart, that they’re not going to stop me?

9/13/13

I cried last night for what felt like 30 minutes. I hurt my arm with my hand, and now, there’s injuries that hurt when something touches me. I prayed to God the whole time I was crying. I told him all of my feelings. I told him to help me if it was according to his will. Because I don’t feel I deserve his help. I don’t deserve his love, his kindness. I told him I want to die and begged him “make my parents understand me. But only if it is your will.”

Two people visited me today. One of them brought me a little bit of clothing. Now I can bathe because I have clean clothes. But I still want to die. I’m still going to do whatever it takes to kill myself. My doctor told me I wasn’t getting out of here anytime soon. I have to stay here for days. I want to go. Not just from the hospital, but from the world – forever- for eternity. 

I talked to my friend Juana today. She told me that she told Ms. Olsen that I went to San Francisco and that I’m in the hospital now. Juana sent her an email that I went to San Francisco, and she (Ms. Olsen) sent that same letter to the guidance counselor (Dr. Sanders, and she called my parents. This is ridiculous. Why did they call my parents? They only knew that I was on my way to San Francisco. They didn’t know why. I don’t think the know that I came her to jump off the bridge. How did they know that my parents didn’t already know this?And I don’t go to that school anymore! Why did they call my parents? I haven’t been to the school in one year now. Why does the office still know things that I do and all my parents? I don’t understand it. 

I’m thinking about telling the people here that I’m fine, that I feel better, that I’m ready to go home, that I want to live, and that all this was a mistake, and I’m not going to do it again. None of this is true, but maybe if I tell them that, they’ll say I can go. Maybe I’ll take a plane to get home, and instead of taking the plane, I take a taxi to get to the bridge so I can jump. However, if someone comes with me to make sure I get on the plane, I’ll have to do something different. I have to get out of here so I can kill myself  Its he only solution to all the problems  My problems are too hard and too big to be solved. Suicide is the only solution. I can’t take anymore  Im about to lose my job if I go to the hospital again  And I know this will happen again. My meds will stop working, and I’ll go to the hospital again. No. It’s not going to happen. Im going to kill myself first. I have to do it. 

I talked to Morgan today. She said that everyone at work is worried about me. That my dad went to work and was asking everyone what they knew. I don’t want to go back. I still have the job, but for how long? Really, suicide is the only solution. 

Two other sisters visited me today. One of the has bipolar  She was faced with some of the same things as me. But I still want to die. I don’t deserve the meds. I don’t deserve help. I don’t deserve my job. I only deserve to die. And I know that’s what I’m going to do. I have to do it. I made a drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge. I want to jump in the drawing. 

I also spoke to my Aunt. She wants to fly here to be accompany me on the plane. I want to be alone on the plane! If someone comes with me I won’t have the chance tp take a taxi to the bridge. I’m going to the bridge. I know this. Im going to tell everyone here that I’m fine so I can kill myself. I have to get out of here as soon as possible. I HAVE TO DIE. Its surprising that my boss isn’t angry. I don’t want to be here, and I can’t write it to make it look how I feel. It’s ridiculous! I’m so depressed and the desire to kill myself is so strong that I’m very angry. Angry at myself, angry that I’m still alive, angry at my parents, angry that I’m in a hospital when it’s the last place I want to be, angry that EVERYONE is FORCING me to live when its the LAST thing I want. I’m so angry. I HAVE TO KILL MYSELF. I can’t write it enough.  

I’m so depressed. I want to cry. I can’t believe it, but I told the doctor the truth. That I feel sick, and tired, and that I cried last night, and that I still want to die, but I want get out of here. And she said that I can’t leave if I still want to die. I hate myself so much. And the desire to kill myself is so strong that I can’t resist. I have fill it. My whole heart wants to die. Why did I call Susana!? Why didn’t I wait until I was on the bridge about to jump?! I feel like I’m writing the same things over and over, but I cannot stop these thoughts. I WANT TO DIE. I need to talk to Susan, but she never answers her phone. But that’s fine. I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve a friend like her. She treated me so good, and I understand if she doesn’t want to speak to me. I don’t deserve her. She deserves a friend who doesn’t always cause problems. 

9/14/13

I don’t know what happened.  Im depressed, but it’s as if im not here – that I dont feel anything. Very early this morning, I realized that if I was on the bridge, that I wouldn’t jump, but now, I know that that’s not true. 

The person that shares the room with me work me three times last night. Im depressed, and tired, and someone asked me if I slept last night, but I didn’t say anything. 

The more I think about the bridge, the more sure I am that I want to jump. I’m angry that people are trying to stop me. I WANT TO JUMP!!

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to tell everyone the truth, but I know that’s what I should do. 

Someone  called me today, but I don’t know who it was. The people here say that I’m making too many calls to people. I want to talk to Susana, but it looks like I can’t. I want to die. I can’t talk to my best friend. And I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of my depression, my parents, the pain, my life, everything. I don’t want to live. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I can’t take anymore. Everyone tells me things will get better, that I shouldn’t lose hope, and I listened.But things didn’t get better. Everything is worse. I was only happy for five months, for the first time, I knew happiness – how it felt to not be depressed, to not feel like crying all the time. How it feels to not think about suicide every minute of every day. It was the best feeling. And when it left, it was much harder because I know happiness, and it was no more. My happiness died, and my hopes too. I don’t want to feel happiness if every time it will die, if I’ll always feel sad after. I don’t want to go on like this; I can’t go on like this. I just want to die. 

Someone  talked to me and said that they were going to put me on a 14 day hold. And that it’s possible there’ll be another one after, so it would be 28 days. I don’t want it. I want to go. 

Another person visited me. She has depression also, and she understood me. I think she’ll visit me again today. Its good for me, to have people that visit me, when I knew no one before. 

I talked to Susana. She understands why I didn’t say anything to my parents but said that I should continue trying to talk to them. She said that I can do whatever I want. I don’t know. But I know something now  If I go back to Baton Rouge, I’m going to leave this hospital in a taxi to get to the airport. So, after I get to the airport, I can take another taxi – to get to the bridge. But I have to tell everyone here that I’m fine, and I feel better, and I’m ready to go home to my parents and my sister. 

9/15/13

Today is my 4th day  I don’t want to be here anymore, but I think I feel a little better. I don’t know if it’s the medicine, because I’ve only taken if for three days now. A sister and her husband visited me today. I told them what may parents say to me and how I feel when they say those things. It’s a surprise that people who don’t know me visit me just because I am one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. 

I’m not sure I want to die. Maybe, maybe not. But If I have return home there will be a lot of problems. I don’t think I want them. But I’m not sure I still want to jump off the bridge either. I don’t know what I want. How can I want to live and die at the same time?One one hand, I want to go back, because I have a job, and my that I can ride, but I don’t know if my parents will still let me ride them or let me go back to work. I don’t know what restrictions I’ll have. I think it’ll be too hard for me. Maybe I can’t do it. Maybe my only option is still to jump off the bridge. But what would happen if I go to the bridge when I get to of here and decided I don’t want to jump? But I can’t stay here, I have no money, I don’t have a place to sleep, I don’t have anything. I think I have to kill myself, even though it’s possible I don’t want to anymore. 

When I think about my options, I want to die again. I can’t go home. I know this. Its because if I go home, I’m going want to kill myself more and my heart will hurt more, because I want to be in San Francisco to jump off the bridge and I can’t. But I can’t change my parents minds. Ive tried over and over and I can’t do anything. I want to die. It’s my only option. I have to do it. My meds don’t matter, it doesn’t matter if they help me – nothing. I’m going to do it  When I get out of here, and I know it’ll be possible. I don’t want to live, and no one is going to make me. NO ONE.

9/16/13

Today is my 5th day here. I no longer want to be here. Will they keep me here forever just because if I go, I’m gong to the bridge? Because that’s what I want to do. If they tell me I can go, I’m going the bridge to kill myself. I don’t have another option. It’s the only thing I can do. No one needs me. My family would be perfectly happy without me. No one needs me. If I wasn’t here, my family would have more unity. I’m a problem and I always cause problems for everyone. It would be better if I killed myself. I dont want  to be in this place another day because its making me love when it’s the last thing I want. 

If I can leave out of here, I’m going to kill myself. But I have to make the people here believe that I’m ready to go home,, that I feel better. Maybe it’s possible. I dont want  to be here for more time. 

No one visited me this morning. Maybe tonight. But I don’t think I deserve for people to come visit me. I’m going to kill myself. Why should I allow more people to get to know me? I dont want to cause more pain foe anyone. 

I don’t know what moreI can write. I’ve written everything. But I still have so many thoughts and feelings. I’m going to the bridge, and I’m going to jump, and no one is going to stop me. No one.  I’m going to jump even if I have to do it quick. I don’t care. Just that I die. 

I talked to Mary today, for quite while. She understands me that I shouldn’t go home and to Baton Rouge. She understands that I’ll feel worse if I live with my parents again because of all the restrictions that I’ll be under. She told me she doesn’t think that I can make the people here believe that I’m ready to go home, and that I feel better, because I flew nearly 2000 miles to jump off a bridge. But I’m still thinking of doing it. She thinks I’m in the perfect place, and that I need to be here, because I’m a danger to myself. But I don’t know. I want to die with my whole heart. I cant imagine what my parents will do or say when I return home. I dont want to go back, but what other option is there?

I talked with my doctor today. She thinks that I have bipolar. I don’t understand it. Every person that I get says something different. I only know I dont want to live. The doctor told me that its possible for me to leave here but there haste be a lot of time that I don’t talk about jumping off the bridge. I’m not going to tell her that I still want to jump, because I want to leave out of here. I can’t believe that she says I have bipolar. Why? Why me? What will my parents think? They’re not going to believe it either. I don’t know that their reaction will be. I dont want to know. I dont want to tell them. I CAN’T tel them  I just want to die. It would be better for everyone – the doctors, the nurses, my parents, my  relatives, my friends – everyone – if I was no longer here. I have to kill myself. I’m so sorry for the people that don’t want it. I’m sorry for the pain my death could cause. I’m sorry  But it’ll be better this way  It has to be. I’m sorry. 

I talked to Juana. I told her everything, much of it in Spanish so the staff and nurses couldn’t understand me. I told her that I still want to jump off the bridge, and that my doctor thinks that I have bipolar. She’s going to tell Ms. Olsen that tomorrow. 

I wanted tot take to Susan but she didn’t answer her phone. I want to tell her. Maybe she can help me tell my patents. But I don’t understand the point of I’m going to kill myself. I told Juana that if I go to the bridge, no one’s going to know until I’m on the bridge about to jump. 

9/17/13

I’ve been here a week now, and I want to go. I talked to Efrem this morning, and he woke me up, but I couldn’t tell hem everything because I was infant of the nurse and I didn’t want anyone to know that I still want to kill myself. When I finished talking, the nurse asked me if I still wanted die, but I just told her ”I don’t know”. 

I tried to call Susana, but again, she didn’t answer her phone. It’s hard for me, because I feel that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here, and I can’t call Susan early, because when its 7 in Baton Rouge its 5 here. So I have to call her late at night. I don’t know. I want to take to her.  But I don’t feel I deserve it (or her). She deserves someone better than me. I don’t understand why she keeps trying to help me. When I go, no one will have to worry about me anymore. It’ll be so much better! NO one needs me, and I don’t have any purpose here. I only cause problems for everyone, but soon, I won’t cause anymore – forever. My death is the only thing that can make everything better. I have kill myself, even though there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to die. I have no other option. I have to kill myself and it doesn’t matter of my whole heart wants to or not. I HAVE TO DO IT! 

I feel so horrible but there’s nothing anyone can do to make me feel better. I don’t have hope, things won’t get better, and I don’t see the point in continuing. I only see pain in my future, and I have to put an end to all this pain – forever  I’m going to the bridge, and I’m going to jump – I know this.  

I feel I don’t deserve the word of god. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve his love or his kindness. The only thing I deserve is death. I don’t know what more I can write. I’ve written everything but I still want to die., and I feel there’s nothing I can do. My life is pointless, I’m trash . I don’t deserve the privilege of reading the Bible.  It’s so hard for me. I just want to get out of here to die. I dont want to cause any more problems for anyone, andI know if I live I’ll cause a lot more problems. I have to die, to make everything better. 

I talked to Efrem again. He told me that some others are going to talk to my parents tonight, but I’m not sure. 

I take to my social worker. I’m so scared because she told me that someone’s probably going to come with me to the airport to make sure I get on the plane. I dont want it  I told her that. She’s going to call my doctor to see when I can return home, so may parents know when to buy the ticket. But I dont want anyone coming with me. But I can ask the people that visit me if I can stay with them for a few days. 

But I dont want anyone to come with me when I go the the airport. I want to have a chance get to the bridge.  I’m so angry. 

I talked to Susana finally, and she told me that she loves me and doesn’t want me to die. I talked to her for an hour, and she was telling me that I shouldn’t lie to the people here and I shouldn’t believe lies like “people would be better if I wasn’t here. I only cause problems. I’m not with anything. I don’t have a purpose here.” She says that I should talk to my parents and not keep telling them the same things. 

9/18/13

I’ve been here for one week now, and I don’t want to stay here any longer. I shouldn’t lie to the people here but if I tell them the truth they’ll tell me I can’t go, but how long am I going to stay here?

I want to die. That hasn’t changed. But I’m not sure that I’ll still be able to get to the bridge. I dont want to take the medicine that I’m on. I don’t know what I should do  Part of me wants to live and go back home, but the other part wants to die. I don’t know id I can tell the people here that I’m still thinking about jumping off the bridge. I want to get out of here, and if they know that, I’m not going to go. I want to get out of here so I can kill myself. 

I talked to my social worker today. She told me that my mom, my aunt, or both of them were going to fly here to take me to the airport, and make sure that I get on the plane, and no go the the bridge   I’m a bit angry. But I’ve thought about everything, and I think that I can still go to the Spanish meetings and my riding lessons. I hope so. I think I’m going to try again, but if I return home, and thongs are too hard, I’m going to kill myself  But I think I should try again. 

The good thing about returning home, is I’ll see  how many people care about me. But, I wold like to do many things when I return home.  I would like to draw, and work on my scrapbook of Yosemite, and my cat. And there’s things I would like to do in the future. I’m going to try again, but only one more time. 

9/20/13

I haven’t written in two days, but almost nothing has changed. My parents bought the tickets. My mom and dad are going to fly here and take me to the airport to go home, but I don’t know what day we’re going to leave. And I still want to die, but I think I’m going to try again. But if things are too hard for me when I get home, I’m going to kill myself. Theres things I want to do when I get out but I don’t know how may parents will react. 

9/21/13

My mom and I had an argument. She was saying I don’t use my money wisely. She said that I need to save for a car, and that I spend too much money on electronics. I felt fine earlier but after that conversation, I wanted to die again. I’m not sure. I just want things to get better between me and my parents. I have to find a way to move out of my parents house. It’s so hard, because sometimes I want to die, and sometimes I want to live. 

Every thing contributes to hoe I feel. Sometimes its good, sometimes it’s bad. I have to try to think of things I want to do when I get home so that maybe I’ll want to live. 

The doctor is going to call my mom. I hope she can make her understand how bad I feel, and that I need medication. I also think I’m on too much medicine  Now, I’m taking 60mg of Cymbalta, 1,000mg of Depakote, and 150mg of Seroquel. I don’t know why my doctor is making me take more and more. I just hope my parents understand better. Why do I have all these problems? Why are mine so serious? Everyone has problems. Why are mine so hard? Sometimes, I don’t think I should be happy. And sometimes I want to die, but sometimes I want to live. It depends on what happens, how I feel. Right now, I want to die, but there’s still a part of me that wants lo live. I don’t know what I want.